The most irate and out-of-control I have ever seen people get when they receive a ticket is when that ticket is for illegal parking.  Otherwise polite, family-oriented, churchgoing, intelligent men and women will instantly start cursing, yelling, waving their arms, stomping their feet, and generally carrying on like a spoiled toddler who's forced to go into Dunkin Donuts with his parents while they purchase coffee and bagels but isn't allowed to jam a donut into his pie-hole.

For some reason a lot of people seem to think that because they often see other cars illegally parked, that somehow makes it acceptable for them to do it too.  That is nearly always the first argument out of their mouths when they see that they're getting a ticket: "But I drove by here yesterday and there was a car parked in the fire lane!  What about that?"  Well, what about that?  I don't understand what they're implying.  Does it make sense to them that if the police don't manage to catch everyone who parks illegally, then that would make it unfair to catch some of them, so therefore it's okay to park in the fire lane?  If you see a car on the highway traveling over the speed limit, does that mean that now and forever you are allowed to go as fast as you want, because pulling you over for speeding after allowing that other guy to get away with it would be unfair?  Please...

I understand why people get so upset when they get a parking ticket.  They feel that because they've seen other people do it and get away with it that makes it unfair for them to be caught and fined.  Nobody likes thinking that life is unfair - it makes them very angry.  And since relatively few people are responsible enough to accept responsibility for their own actions, they decide to blow up at the police officer who is simply doing his job.  That's so much easier, psychologically speaking, then directing the responsibility for the ticket at themselves, which is where it truly belongs.

I can't tell you how many times I've been dispatched to Costco or some other big store for the report of a 70-year-old woman with chest pains and difficulty breathing (or some other similar medical emergency) and when I arrived the entire fire lane was jammed with cars.  Even in those situations, when the ambulance crew is wheeling the patient out on a gurney, weaving between the illegally parked cars to get to the ambulance which they were forced to park in the lane so it blocked all traffic through the lot, I'll still have people screaming at me as I ticket their cars.  The gasping, blue-faced patient could be clutching her chest in agony five feet away and I'll still have some dolt complaining that he was only inside to drop off some film and he shouldn't get a ticket.

The only time you are allowed to be in the fire lane is when you are in the act of loading or unloading passengers or cargo.  If you pull up, the passenger jumps out, and you drive away - that's fine.  If you pull up, the passenger jumps out and runs inside, and for some reason you are still there, you can get a ticket.  You are no longer unloading at that point - now you're waiting.  It doesn't matter if your car is in drive instead of park.  If a police officer sees you there, it is his or her job to give you a ticket.  It's not the officer's job to ask you to move, or give you time to move, or inquire as to your reasons for being there.  You are parked illegally right then at that moment - there's nothing in the law that says the officer has to tell you to move along and only if you refuse to do so can they then issue you a ticket.

Aside from fire lanes, the handicapped parking spaces are another favorite of rude, inconsiderate, self-centered people.  Why drive around the crowded lot when there's this perfectly empty space only a few feet from the front door?  Because that space is reserved for people with disabilities who have state-issued permits, that's why.  If you park there, and you don't have your state-issued permit on display, you will get a $131 ticket.  If you are willing to pay $131 to avoid a sixty-second walk, then by all means park in the handicapped space, you inconsiderate, egocentric sloth.

If you are disabled in some way and you wish to park in the handicapped spaces, go get yourself a permit.  If you don't have one and you park there anyway, you're going to get a ticket.  I can't tell from looking at your car if you are truly disabled and don't have a permit, or if you are a lazy selfish asshole who parked there because you strive to be a continual blight on the rest of humanity.  Nor do I care.  If you are disabled and you don't have a permit, you are going to get a ticket.  It doesn't matter if you come to the police department to complain, dragging your oxygen tank behind you as you hobble in on your walker - you were still parked illegally.  The handicapped parking spaces are for people who are handicapped AND who have permits.  If everyone else with disabilities has to drag themselves to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a permit, why should you be exempt from doing so as well?  Because you're handicapped?

If you do have a permit to park in the handicapped space it must be displayed so I can see it.  If you leave it tucked over your visor, or secured in the glove compartment, or you carry it with you into the store so that no one steals it, you are going to get a ticket.  Once I write the ticket I am not going to tear it up, even if you come running after me and show me the permit you had squirreled away under the back seat.  You will have to go to court and explain to the State's Attorney that yes, you were parked in the handicapped space and yes, you do have a permit, but it was hidden under your back seat at the time and if only those stupid cops would use their X-ray vision then you wouldn't have to waste your day in court.  Good luck.

I have one final admonition regarding handicapped parking.  If you and your spouse are kind hearted, dutiful children who have taken in your soon-to-be-sainted mother, and she happens to be confined to a wheelchair and because of that you have obtained a handicapped parking permit, please be aware that the permit is to be used only when Mom is with you.  If you are taking Mom to Chili's to slam some frozen margaritas and hot wings, by all means park in the handicapped space so that she doesn't have to be inconvenienced any more than necessary.   That's what they are there for.

However, if you leave Mom at home and run to the store yourself, you may not park in the handicapped space, even with the special license plate or handicapped parking placard.  Did you get that?  You may not park in the handicapped space.  Your car is not handicapped and does not enjoy full handicapped parking privileges, your mother is.  If she's not with you than you may not park there.  If you do you will get a $131 ticket.  And if you contend that because you are here to pick up an X-Box, or a six-pack, or a do-it-yourself at-home iron lung kit for your mother and that means it's acceptable to use her permit, don't be too surprised if I disagree with you.

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